Love University 💗
The Most Unhinged Pickup Lines I’ve Ever Heard in My Life. I Was Just Trying to Eat, Not Get Admitted Into Romance. Anyways, Come With Me To School 😂
Before we go on this honest, non-fictional, dramatic tale. I have to apologize for the two-month break in transmission; life took me on a path I cannot even describe, but if God can forgive me, I'm sure you can. So here I am - back to our regularly scheduled Wednesday drama🌳🦋
The Beginning – The Bar
I don’t usually do this. But my mom said I don’t give anyone a chance, “Step out of the house, Ral, your comfortable bed won’t disappear, your wine cellar will still be full, and all your food won’t go missing. You’re so stiff, you don’t make friends…” She ended the call.
Well, here I am: Looking sexy at 10:00 pm at a bar.
He had been staring for a while. Where I come from, men’s favourite line is ‘I want to marry you’ because, for some reason, they believe every woman is one husband away from inner peace. So naturally, that’s what I expected when he started walking over.
There is something deeply fascinating about how marriage gets thrown around like a promo code in conversations with women. As if the average woman is just walking around with a visible countdown above her head - 28 years, 6 months, still unmarried, approach with urgency. Men will look you in the eye, know absolutely nothing about you beyond the fact that you have a face and shoulders, and still decide the fastest route to your heart is to shout wife across the room. Not “Hello.” Not “What’s your name?” Not even “Can I buy you a drink?” Just straight to “I want to marry you,” as if they’re doing you a favour and not sounding like an emergency family meeting. It’s one of those cultural scripts that has survived far longer than it deserves - this idea that every woman, no matter how composed, employed, busy, cynical, or well-fed, is one random male declaration away from folding like hot bread 🍞
Rugged, smoky afro hair, big heavy chains, baggy jeans – Too abnormal looking (But Genz’s dress like that these days and call it fashion anyways – so, fuck it!). Normally, this is where I get up, start a fight, and vanish for my own safety 😂 But who, please, was going to pay for my food?
Also, there is a very specific kind of courage required for being a woman in public after 10:00p.m. You’re trying to be open-minded, but not too open-minded. Friendly, but not “please follow me home” friendly. Polite, but not so polite that you accidentally end up engaged. Every decision becomes a tiny risk assessment: if I smile, is that encouragement? If I frown, is that attitude? If I stand up, will he think I’m interested? If I sit down, will I now have to hear a spoken-word proposal over grilled chicken and warm chapman? Dating, flirting, and existing in public as a woman can feel like a part-time internship in conflict management, customer service, and escape planning - and the pay is terrible 💰
Course 101
He smiled, flashed his teeth, and winked…
(“What the hell, I thought! Maybe he wants to marry me…” I giggled)
Five seconds later, the gentleman was at my table.
“I love you, baby, he said. I saw you across the room, shining like a star, I thought, you’re my star, my genius, I’m the teacher, you’re the student, together we build….”
“We build what? A school,” I laughed 😂 But damn! Those lyrics were good. Is this how they woo women now? I questioned my head.
Course – 102
“It’s not like that, baby, you look like the flowers in my garden, the notes on my books, the only colors on my texts, the only eraser of my mistakes….”
“What!!! I couldn’t take it anymore 😂 😂 let’s rewind….
Course – 103
I didn’t want to look disrespectful, so I swallowed my laugh. He continued:
“Look, my world was all black and white pages, fading and forgotten. Then you walked in, and suddenly it’s extensive, formatted, literal, logical, paradoxical, intentional….., It’s lyrical, baby, and I know I will fit you so well,” he smiled cheesily.
“Jesus Christ!! 😂😂 What!!… Were those lines?” I finally managed to ask one question. What made it worse was that he looked devastatingly serious while saying all that nonsense.
And that, I think, is one of womanhood’s quieter dilemmas: what exactly are you supposed to do when a man is being sincere, but unfortunately, his sincerity is dressed like nonsense? Because if he’s joking, you laugh. If he’s flirting, you smile politely. If he’s delusional, you alert the authorities. But if he is fully serious - if he genuinely believes he is delivering premium, first-class romance while comparing you to stationery, grammar, and educational infrastructure - then suddenly the burden falls on you to react in a way that is kind, feminine, civilised, and not likely to end in “you think you’re too much.” Men will hand you the most chaotic declaration of affection and still expect a soft, elegant response, as though you weren’t just told you are the “eraser of someone’s mistakes.” Oh God, help! 🆘
Final Course 104
“My love, you’re not just a new chapter in my life’s story; you’re the entire syllabus, the one I actually want to study every single day. Before you, my knowledge was just scattered facts, but with you, it’s a complete, fascinating curriculum.”
Alright, I’m out of here 😂
“Wait, love, you’re my textbook, my new everything, don’t go! What about the food?”
“You can eat or keep it!” I screamed from the far end of the door.
My God! My mother will hear of this 😂 – I just came back from Love University. There will be gossip tonight.
And the worst part is that this is exactly how mothers win. Because if I go out and meet nobody, I’ll hear, “See? You don’t leave your house.” If I go out and meet somebody normal, I’ll hear, “You see? I told you.” And if I go out and meet a man who introduces himself like a curriculum designer possessed by romance and poor judgment, somehow that too becomes evidence that I should “be more open.” Open to what exactly? To love? To nonsense? To a man who looked at me and saw not a woman, but a fully accredited institution? Some mothers will send you into the field like a soldier and still expect a harvest, even if all you came back with was trauma, one untouched plate of food, and enough material for a newsletter.
ABOUT ME🏵️🌸
Ral Joseph is a Medical Biochemist, currently mastering in Public Health, and unhealthily obsessed with health data. A writer by instinct and a semi-functional human by lived experience, I spend my days thinking seriously about Data, Health systems, and how the world works, and my nights thinking un-seriously about everything else. This column is where both versions of me meet, argue, laugh, and occasionally make peace. If you stayed till the end, thank you. If any of this felt familiar, I’m sorry. And if it didn’t, give it time. Nonetheless, see you next Wednesday.
we're back 🍻
The confidence of men who skip “hello” and go straight to “you are my destiny” needs to be studied. 😂 Somewhere between romance and a hostage negotiation.
Thank you for making me laugh sista Ral.